


I surely lost myself

by Angelicasdean



Category: The Last of Us
Genre: Emotional Hurt/Comfort, F/F, Fix-It of Sorts, Grief/Mourning, Hurt/Comfort, It Gets Worse Before It Gets Better, Jackson mourns for his death and we get to actually see his funeral, Post-Apocalypse, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Redemption, Revenge, Spoilers, WE HAVE A SEVERE TOMMY SHORTAGE OKAY, abby gets a lil redemption arch, dina is a saint tbh, ellie and joel get to bond goddamnit, ellie gets her revenge right this time, joel still dies but he's dignified in his death, she still gets what she deserves though
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-06-28
Updated: 2020-07-01
Packaged: 2021-03-04 12:34:44
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death
Chapters: 3
Words: 6,074
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24969781
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Angelicasdean/pseuds/Angelicasdean
Summary: “I’m Tommy, this is my brother,” Tommy jerks his head towards Joel, who locks eyes with his brother. Tommy’s face slowly falls when he sees the expression he holds, all eyes are now on Joel.Something doesn’t sit right with him, there’s tension slowly building, and a prickle at the back of his neck. This feels wrong, this place doesn’t feel safe anymore, hasn’t felt right since he saw all them weapons and how geared up they were.
Relationships: Dina/Ellie (The Last of Us), Ellie & Jesse (The Last of Us), Ellie & Joel (The Last of Us), Ellie & Tommy (The Last of Us), Joel & Tommy (The Last of Us)
Comments: 23
Kudos: 90





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Naughty dog took an axe to my heart with how they handled some of the shit in tlou2, so I decided to make a fix it that's not really a fix it, all for my own sanity. I took a bit of creative liberty with Abby's storyline.

The snow was damn well near blinding, with all the white that blew around them, making the cold the least of their problems. The horde they were trailing looked terrifying, Joel, even on his horse with his weapons fully loaded and Tommy by his side, thought better than to disturb them, they’d been watching it for a good while now. Slowly trailing behind them hidden between trees, all their noise swept by the storm. They rose from the goddamn snow, like the movies they’d watch when the world was clear, and for some reason that chilled Joel to the bone.

Or maybe it was the snow starting to build up in his collar.

“We should head back,” Tommy says, already tugging on his reigns, turning away from Joel, “get a few more men, clear em out before they get too close” Tommy spares a glance back at the horde, “we ain’t got a chance, only the two of us”

“Yeah,” Joel sucks a breath through his teeth, “well, come on, then”

Before either of them moves, the horde starts screaming. Tommy pulls out his rifle, turning to aim at the large mass of infected.

“Shh,” Joel scolds, squeezing his horse so it’d take a few steps, get him close enough to push down Tommy’s rifle, “they ain’t spotted us”

“Well they spotted somethin’,” Tommy slowly places the rifle on his lap. Almost on cue, gunshots ring out through the storm, and the horde gets even louder. Joel throws a glance at Tommy.

“What time is it?” Joel asks, and Tommy checks his watch before looking back at Joel. Just by the grim expression on his face, Joel can guess what time it is. Parole is out, someone must’ve been spotted scaling up the mountain towards the post, “shit,” Joel mumbles, spurring his horse and taking out his revolver.

They sprint after the horde, trying to spot who was in trouble, if they’re smart, they’d head to lodge. There’s enough ammunition and weapons there to keep them held up.

“ _Over there_!” Tommy shouts, skidding his horse to a stop when the ground ended under them, Joel squints, barely gets to see the shape of someone running away from the horde surrounding them.

“Ain’t one of ours, then,” Joel notes to himself, _except if their horse got taken_.

Tommy slowly leads them down the slope, until they’re on even ground again, and they kick off. Joel’s steed shakes its head, huffing as it breaks through snow, uneasy from the constant growl and scream coming from the horde.

They can round around it, get from behind, make a choke point. Get whoever is in trouble safe inside and deal with the horde.

But more keep popping up, and worry starts to dig deep into Joel’s plans “This ain’t a good situation,” Joel yells, Tommy gives him an understanding look, they need to be smart about this.

They near the rear of the lodge, dismounting quickly, Joel slings his shotgun over his shoulder, checking his revolver’s ammunition. As expected, the lodge is as they left it, empty and cluttered.

“We can wait by the door, get them inside,” Tommy says quickly, Joel nodding, head snapping towards the windows when he heard the snap of metal.

The commotion grows louder, “the fences ain’t holding up,” Tommy says with dismay clear in his voice.

“Change of plans,” Joel rubs his knuckles against his temple.

“we can-“ Tommy’s words die as a scream rips through the air, different from the ones coming from the infected, this one was actually a _word_.

Tommy looks at the closed door, before looking back at Joel.

“Come on,” Joel growls, shouldering open the door, checking his left and right, watching the outside of the fence. The wind blows hard into his eyes, and he shields them with his arm, scanning the snow.

They round all the way around the ski house, the infected slowly growing in numbers as they reach closer to the entrance of where the resort once was.

The infected are grouping up in one area, fence slowly curving towards the ground, Joel would bet that’s where the poor soul got cornered, or worse. Maybe they’re risking it for a body, then again at least they have something to bury.

Joel’s first to see it, someone thrashing on the ground, pushing and kicking away a persistent runner. He vaults over one of the barricades, sprinting until he was close enough to put his gun right by the runner’s temple and shooting it.

The person slides away wildly, brushing and pushing the snow and blood and grime that had fallen onto them when the infected attacked them, Joel kicking the body off of them. He extends a hand; helping them up. “We need to run!” he shouts, and the stranger blinks at him, whiplashed, he gives them a pat on the shoulder to snap them out of it “go! I’ll cover you”

They leave, and one check over his shoulder tells Joel that Tommy was leading the stranger back towards the lodge. He abandons his post when the fence fails, infected toppling over each other, some nearly crawling up his legs. He follows Tommy’s footsteps, eventually finding his way into the hallway which splits into two.

Good, they can make it through the door to the lodge, barricade the doors, get some fires going to burn the infected away.

Joel skids to a stop, watching the door burst open.

“ _shit_ , hold up!” Tommy curses, the infected stumbling towards them. Thankfully his brother is quick to light a fire bottle and scorching the infected where they stand.

Well, there goes their way back to the lodge.

Where the _hell_ all this is coming from, he doesn’t know. “through here” Tommy jerks his head to the other door, their last way out, but its longer and not the best place to have as a choke point. The door doesn’t even open all the way, Tommy tries to shoulder it open but stumbles back when it doesn’t give.

So, instead, he slides through a slit in the doorway, the stranger after him and Joel shoots a few rounds before squeezing through himself. The stranger is already ready, pushing the large steel container they use for barricade; Joel helps her. Watching as a second later the door jerks, trying to open, infected already trying to take it down.

“You alright?” Joel asks, and the stranger nods, wiping at her nose, pushing the frost off of where it stuck to her jacket.

“Yeah,” she confirms. Joel gives her a nod, moving towards Tommy.

“Where the hell will we go,” He asks, more like hisses the question, “this size of a horde-“

“We’ll head back to the lodge,” Tommy cuts him off, “we can’t run it through to Jackson, we need to hole up somewhere, we can make a break for it”

Joel holds Tommy’s gaze for a moment, “right,” if nothing then they’ll at least make it back to the horses, “come on, I think there’s a backdoor to this place, we can get to the lodge from there”

They barely make it two steps out of the room before the sound of loud thudding starts, “Jesus Christ, these fuckers are everywhere,” Tommy exclaims, shooting through the shattering glass, and Joel grabs a pipe hanging from the wall, quick to push a clicker back when it tried to claw through the window.

A few still make it through, one grabbing the stranger while she’d been busy covering for Tommy while he loads. Joel quickly makes his way towards her, jamming the pipe where the runner nearly bit her, pushing back to it’d let her go. Once the runner is on the ground, Joel shoots it straight between its sickly yellow eyes.

He turns to the stranger, “you alright?”

“Thank you,” She mumbles, clearing her throat and rolling her shoulder.

“Come on, we need to move,” Tommy calls, then noticing the pale expression on the stranger’s face, he asks, “you alright?”

“Fine,” The stranger echoes. Tommy gives Joel a glance, and he nods back.

“Right then,” Tommy jerks his head towards the only door left, “this way”

A long struggle later, Joel running around distracting the infected with the stranger while Tommy pushes a ski lift towards a window they can jump through; they finally have the lodge back in sight, despite how hard the storm has gotten now, Joel can feel his nose burn from the cold.

The stranger slips in front of Joel, a clicker snarling at them as it breaches the fence. He shrugs off his shotgun, quick, shooting it before it jumps either of them. “Come on, we’re close now,” Joel says, helping the stranger up, watching her hobble for a moment, a pained expression painting her face, “you okay?”

“My ankle,” she hisses, sounding angrier at herself than the injury. Joel nods to himself, patting her arm, and she gets the gist, leaning against Joel as they run towards where Tommy’s taken to cover them.

“Everything good?” he asks.

“Lets just make it to the lodge,” Joel growls in response, this day was starting to get a tad bit _too much_.

They finally get inside again, Joel letting the stranger lean on a posted up chair while Tommy goes about boarding up the door.

“You clear?” Tommy asks, and they both check up on each other.

“they ain’t gon’ get me today,” Joel says under his breath, noticing the stranger watching them interact, “what’s your name?”

“Abby,” The stranger says.

“Nice to meet you, Abby” Tommy replies, opening his mouth to say something else, but the sound of creaking wood jerks their collective attention, “goddamnit”

“We need to get out of here,” Joel growls, reloading his gun.

“We ain’t making it to Jackson in this weather,” Tommy calls back, “we need to barricade this place”

“That ain’t gon’ hold, Tommy,” Joel argues back, watching the board curve as more and more weight leans on the door. They’ll get run down if they stick around long enough.

“The horses ain’t making it through this storm-“

“My friends,” Abby interrupts them, “we’re staying in a mansion just north of here, we got strong fences and we have the entire perimeter secured”

Joel looks at her for a long minute, something sour he isn’t too unfamiliar with boiling in his gut. Distrust is easy to him, but what else can he do?

“That’s the Baldwin’s place,” Joel says lowly, “it _could_ work”

Tommy looks between him and Abby, before slowly nodding, “Alright, I’ll get the door”

Joel turns to Abby, giving her a calculating look, “you’ll ride with me”

Just as they mount up, the doors break, one after the other. Joel watches as dozens and dozens of infected flood the lodge, and on instinct he spurs his steed, following where Tommy has already rode on.

-

They barely make it, Joel pulling on his steed’s reigns to turn towards the gate again, watching the men barely contain the infected. The sound of gunfire is loud, until people start shouting for them to conserve ammo, and blurs of red fly past them.

Fire bottles. _So they’re armed_ , Joel thinks to himself, watching the large group move past them, urging Joel and Tommy to follow them, to shelter away from the storm.

There’s uneasiness slowly pooling in Joel’s stomach, watching as inside, even more people appeared. Tommy doesn’t seem disturbed, though, leaning back, easy.

Joel was too busy watching the people interact to really listen to his brother chattering, but his worry peaks when he hears Tommy invite them to Jackson.

“Restock, get some supplies and rest before you head on,” Tommy says, the familiar kind smile on his face, the one meant to reassure people that _they’re_ safe, and Joel would do anything to have Tommy glance at him for a moment; to catch onto Joel’s uneasiness.

Doesn’t feel like these people are the ones in need of reassurance.

“That…thank you,” a woman says, reaching out a hand for Tommy, “I’m Mel, by the way,” she introduces, and Tommy takes her hand, shakes it briefly.

“I’m Tommy, this is my brother,” Tommy jerks his head towards Joel, who locks eyes with his brother. Tommy’s face slowly falls when he sees the expression he holds, all eyes are now on Joel.

Something doesn’t sit right with him, there’s tension slowly building, and a prickle at the back of his neck. This feels _wrong_ , this place doesn’t feel safe anymore, hasn’t felt right since he saw all them weapons and how geared up they were.

These aren’t just travelling men and women.

“John,” Joel blurts, and Tommy does him the courtesy of not letting his surprise show. When’s the last time they’d used an alias? Not since Joel left the QZ, that’s for sure.

The tension breaks, and a breath flows easily through Joel’s lungs when Mel turned to him with a smile, “John, Tommy,” She greets, “you’re welcome to stay until the storm blows over, then maybe we can talk about tagging along with you guys”

“Sure,” Tommy smiles again, but Joel can see the uneasiness now making his eyes dark. He makes his way towards where Tommy’s leaning against a few tucked crates, draped with cloth. Shoulder to shoulder now, the group head to check on the girl, Abby, and by the faces and hushed whispers; Joel would bet it’s a scolding.

“So, you’re leading them back to Jackson?” Joel says quietly, eyes trained on the girl they saved. She shrugs off her jacket in anger, and dread fills Joel’s mind when he sees the medallion dangling from her chest, he’s seen countless of them before. Picked up some too way back when. “Fireflies,” Joel whispers, and Tommy follows his line of sight.

“Crap,” Tommy mumbles, clearing his throat and speaking up, “I think it’s the best thing we could do,” he says, as if their observation meant nothing, “we don’t know what they want, least we can do is get back,” Tommy says, then quieter, closer to Joel’s ear, “and at least we won’t be outnumbered”

Joel doesn’t like it, but there is no other choice. The offer is already on the floor, and they accepted. To take it back is to put themselves in a suspicious spot light, “you’re right,” Joel clears his throat, scuffing his feet and making sure his gun is tucked in his belt, “I guess…”

“Lighten up, Johnny,” Tommy says, breaking a smile when one of the group came closer, “the storm ‘ll be over soon, and we’ll all get out of here, go back home”

“Yeah,” Joel doesn’t bother to feign enthusiasm, “I hope you’re right”


	2. Chapter 2

“Joel and Tommy never showed up”

“ _What_ ” Ellie snaps, fastening her jacket, _crap_. Of course, why would life do anything in her favor? She throws a look at Dina, who still has a flush to her face, being caught together in their underwear.

Goddamnit.

“We waited for them for an hour, I was looking for their horses and I saw light,” Jesse holds Ellie’s eyes with a glare, and Ellie holds down her panic. Barely. Ties her boots, “thought maybe they stayed here”

“Maybe they already went back,” Dina tries, eyes hopeful as Ellie brushes past her.

“Without being replaced?” Ellie takes a breath in, “No way” she stoops down to grab her backpack. Joel and Tommy are smart, they’re resourceful, they can make it in near any situation, “How big of an area did you cover?”

“Not much,” Jesse admits.

“Then let’s split up, we can cover the entire area in a few hours,” Ellie says quickly, making sure her gear is ready, scanning the room.

“I don’t like you riding solo, we don’t know what’s out there”

“That the _point_ ,” Ellie emphasizes, “That’s why they need help,” she adds.

“But what if they’re in danger?” Dina pips in, “If Tommy and Joel can’t take them on their own then… then having you wouldn’t help much, I say we stick together”

“But we won’t cover the whole area in time!” Ellie argues, feeling the beginning gripes of panic taking hold of her, “We need to find them”

“We will,” Jesse says, determined, “but we’re safer together, there are wolves and infected and who knows what out there, and if they’re just caught in the storm all three of us can help them.”

“It's better this way,” Dina adds gently, hand coming to rest on Ellie’s shoulder, and Ellie forces herself to relax them, “if one of us finds them, you know Joel would burst a fuse and go find you”

Ellie scoffs, but lets her head drop, fiddling with the tips of her fingers. She sighs, looking off to the side, “Fine,” she concedes, “but we need to move”

“I’m all ready,” Jesse raises his hands, “Waiting for you two”

“Dina?” Ellie turns to her, watching Dina scramble to pull on her hoodie and jacket, picking up her backpack with one hand and zipping up her jacket with another.

“A second,” She gives an apologetic smile, “go get our horses ready”

-

The blizzard sure is deft going about blinding them, Ellie is bent over her saddle in some vain effort of evading the frost freezing her nose.

“ _Tommy!”_ Jesse calls, “ _Joel_!”

“Look! Down there!” Dina shouts over the sound of wind whipping by, “It has light, they could be there”

“Well how do we get to it?” Jesse asks, Ellie already off shimmer, grabbing a rifle just in case, “hold on!”

“Here,” Ellie yells, ignoring their calls for her to slow down as she jumps the ledge, landing in calf-high snow, clenching her teeth against the cold, “We’ll walk it”

“Can you wait for a second?” Jesse groans, trudging through the snow with trouble to stand by Ellie’s side, “we don’t know what in there”

“We need to be careful,” Dina says, walking past them both, blindly reloading her pistol, “but we need to check it out”

Jesse looks between them both, then sighs, “Okay,” he says, letting Ellie march past him.

With only a bit of frustration, Ellie finally finds a place they can sneak through. Someone stupidly left a window unlocked, and it was easy enough to climb through. They can hear voice speaking, many, many voices, Ellie raises a finger to silence Jesse and Dina.

The house for the most part, is empty, the voices coming from the stairway down to a basement. Worry starts to bleed into her thoughts, and she makes sure her gun is loaded and ready. “You stay here,” Ellie whispers to Dina and Jesse.

“Ellie!” Dina opens her mouth to argue, but Ellie turns to her.

“if anything happens, you’ll have enough of an upper hand to help, all of us rushing will just be easy pickings,” she explains, heading down the stairs before anyone can tell her otherwise.

She presses her war to the door, heartbeat picking up when he heard Tommy speaking.

“So what brings y’all here, again?” Tommy’s voice is clear, and Ellie sighs to herself, stands up from her crouch, opens the door to peek in.

“Just passing through, on our way back to Seattle,” a woman with short hair says, and Ellie scans the room to see where Joel is, finds her shoulders falling with relief when she spots him leaning back, listening. But his eyes are calculating in a way she’d seen only a handful of times.

Her eyes fall onto the guns strapped to every single person on the room, some still holding them tight, others slung over their shoulders or placed across their laps. Ellie’s eyes fall back to Joel, and she notes how close his hand is, hovering over where his gun would be.

 _Not entirely safe, then_.

Tommy seems to be trying to get comfortable, though, speaking in the middle of the room with the short-haired woman.

Ellie must’ve been staring too long, or too obviously, because suddenly the door handle flies from her grip, and something hard slams against her nose, knocking her back. She scrambles up a single stair, stopping to glare up at the gun pointed up at her.

“Hey! Don’t think about it,” Jesse yells and Ellie looks back to find him and Dina already behind her, guns aimed at the man.

“Hey, hey stand down!” Joel’s voice cuts through, and suddenly the man himself was shoving the gun away from Ellie and standing between her and the snarling stranger, “She’s with me” he says, voice low and dangerous, Tommy coming up to side with him.

“Manny,” a calm voice says, and the woman with short hair is in Ellie’s field of vision again, pushing past Tommy and tugging the man— _Manny­—_ slightly “Go”

Ellie slowly stands up, Dina helping her and scanning her bloody nose with a frown. Joel’s presence is impossible to ignore, and neither is the women’s.

“John, please,” the woman says, and Ellie almost raises an eyebrow when Joel turns after a second, probably unused to the name. _Aliases huh_. She wipes her blood with her sleeve, wincing when her nose burst in pain. Something unsaid flows between Joel ( _John,_ Ellie muses to herself) and the woman, and Joel finally steps back, deeming her safe.

Ellie would scoff at his show, but this isn’t the right place.

 _Try to forgive,_ she reminds her self, it’s a long path ahead of her, but she needs to start walking it; if she ever plans on reaching the end.

“I’m really sorry,” The woman says, “I’ll get you something to clean up with,” she smiles, and Ellie can’t help but feel a little bit of tension leak out of her. She’s got a kind face, “I’m Mel,” she says, and Ellie nods then glances at Joel. If _he’s_ using an alias, then he must’ve picked on something. Something Ellie doesn’t see, then again, Ellie hasn’t dealt with a lot of unkind people.

 _Except that cannibal fucker_ _and his crew_.

God, she suppresses a shiver. That’s an old memory, she doesn’t need to dwell on it.

“Riley,” Ellie mumbles, the first name that came into her mind, nearly wincing at herself.

“It's nice to meet you,” Mel says, eyes behind Ellie on the two people still awkwardly half aiming at her.

“Luna,” Dina says, giving half a wave, Ellie throws her a squint.

“Percy,” Jesse says after, with half a smile, though it falls once his eyes move from Ellie to Mel.

 _They sure are creative_ , Ellie would snort if it wouldn’t have given them away.

Mel gives another polite greeting, inviting them inside before she leaves, to fulfill her promise of getting something for Ellie to clean up.

Ellie barely gets to sit, watching the dozen or so men and women in the basement all armed and looking dangerous with prominent disdain, before Joel is kneeling beside her, fingers hovering over her jaw so she’d turn to him.

“What the _hell_ are you doing here?” He whisper-scolds and Ellie rolls her eyes, “Do you know what type of danger you could be in?”

“Oh, I’m sorry, _John_ ,” Ellie snaps back, “You didn’t show up on parole, neither did-did-“ she pauses, not wanting to use the wrong name and possibly blow their covers. So, she throws a glance at Tommy instead, who’s watching them with keen eyes, someone coming up to talk to him from the strangers.

“ _Tommy_ and I got caught up, found a horde and followed it, found a girl,” Joel throws a look over his shoulder to a woman sulking in the corner, eyes scorching Ellie. Ellie feels some dread creep up the nape of her neck just from her gaze. God, what did Ellie do to her? “saved her, but nearly got overrun in the lodge”

“So? What? You went into this basement with armed men and women, _alone?”_ she hisses, “that’s-“

“ _Stupid_ , I know. _We know_ ,” Joel sighs, “but what choice did we have?” he says, looking up when Mel came up gingerly to hand Joel a cloth and a bandage,

“I’m really sorry, Riley,” Mel apologizes, “We thought you… you know”

“It’s fine,” Ellie says quietly, flinching when Joel went to wipe her face, “It's alright, I can do it,” she tries, but Joel fixes her a stare, and she concedes, feeling suddenly tired. She lets Joel dot on her, but she doesn’t look at him, instead, watches as Jesse and Dina go to talk to Tommy.

“Kiddo,” Joel starts, Ellie slides her gaze to Joel, watching as he gripes with his own words, “Thanks…” he says, “for… looking for us,” he clears his throat, “Sorry for worrying you”

“Of course,” Ellie scoffs, “Jackson would be lost if you and Tommy died or something,” Ellie mumbles, and Joel chuckles, and she wants to say something else, but she bites back. And either way, she didn’t have time to, Joel putting pressure on her nose and she quickly groans a swear.

“Sorry,” Joel mumbles, quickly retracting his hand “Looks broken, you want me to realign it? Or wait ‘til Jackson?”

“Just do it,” Ellie sighs, leaning back into the chair.

“O-kay,” Joel sing songs under his breath, looking down at the bandage between his fingers before gingerly placing it on Ellie’s knee “Stay still, kiddo"


	3. Chapter 3

Despite every warning that flashed in Joel’s mind, he remained calm and _tried_ to be friendly to the group they were stuck with. Ellie, Dina, and Jesse had grouped together away from the crowd, and Tommy was being a little bit of a showman.

Joel would be bothered if he didn’t pick up on the subtle warnings in his words.

“We got attacked by raiders, few weeks back, what’s left of them hunters coming back up to try and get a hit on us,” Tommy says, looking around the room, the group had offered them food and Joel had taken one of the fruits they’d thrown at him. Tommy himself had a can of peaches in his hands, and he coolly slides a slice before going on, “Didn’t even get to the walls, hopefully soon they’ll be wiped out” _like the fireflies_ Joel continues in his own mind, spinning the apple in his palm.

“So it’s safe as you can get in there,” Tommy finally concludes, “If you stay long enough, we might be able to spare ya some winter gear, too”

“Really?” Mel asks, looking back towards the girl, Abby, before back at Tommy and Joel again, “do you think you can spare medicine?”

Joel throws a look at Tommy, taking a few steps towards the conversation, “Do you have someone sick?” he asks, and Mel looks between the brothers before turning to one of the men, Joel hadn’t bothered to catch his name.

“We just…” Mel falters.

Joel can practically sense the intrigue pouring from Tommy, and now the three teenagers in the corner have stopped muttering amongst each other, Ellie looking on with strange keenness.

“Well, if you need painkillers or antibacterials… we got some, I guess it won’t harm to share,” Tommy scratches at the back of his neck, looking away from Joel’s glare. They’ve been _especially_ running low on those, and Joel can’t pick up on what Tommy’s setting up.

 _He's smarter than that_.

“We can trade you,” Tommy adds, when Mel looked up with hope painfully clear in her eyes. How she ended up in a group so cutthroat looking, Joel would guess was by chance. Or maybe he shouldn’t draw assumptions.

Or maybe he should, assumptions helped got him out of sticky situations before.

“What do you need?” Mel asks

“What do you got?” Tommy throws back, crossing his arms.

Then, surprisingly, Abby is the one that speaks up, “A town like yours, you wouldn’t need anything we have”

“That’s an ugly assumption,” Tommy answers back, and Joel liked the fact that he was confident in his approach. His little brother was anything but a smooth talker, and bull-headed too, made for a fine businessman.

“We got guns, ammo, food, clothes, that’s about it,” Mel says, “We don’t have anything you don’t already have”

Tommy looks back to Joel, putting down the can of peaches slowly before stepping back, and Joel squints at the action.

“Doesn’t need to be material,” Tommy points out.

“What are you getting at,” Abby scowls from where she’s sitting, and Tommy raises a hand in a sign of peace, “You want information?”

“If you’ve got some,” he says and Joel feels it again, the pickle at the back of his neck that has him stand straight, “and traveler’s like you, bound to have _something_ ,” Tommy emphasizes, taking another step back, hands still in the air.

“Nothing of use to _you_ ,” Abby snarls, and Tommy must’ve picked up on how close to the trigger they were getting, Joel squeezing the apple in his hand pulling on the stem with his fingers, waiting for a single set off. There’s what? Ten, fifteen people around them. And no place for cover, a bad spot for everyone.

“Alright,” Tommy backs down, thankfully, letting his arms fall, “Well, we’ll figure something out when we get to Jackson”

“We will,” Mel echoes back, but it sounds more like a question.

The tension doesn’t fully dissolve, Tommy beckoning Ellie, Dina and Jesse to where he and Joel left their horses, probably to ask about _their_ own horses. If they’re left out in the snow, if they’re close by. Joel doesn’t join the conversation, feeling a little tense, a little like he’s in a viper’s pit and ones about to strike. He really doesn’t want to turn his backs on these people, one slip and all five of them might end up bullet-ridden and dead.

The thought itself makes Joel’s hand twitch, a type of patience he hadn’t felt in a long-time resurfacing. He was waiting for the violence to start, waiting for someone to break, just like he did years ago, by Tess’s side; when a deal would go wrong. He doesn’t put his hand on his gun yet, but he waits…

He _waits_ , but nothing clicks, nothing suddenly shifts. No gun is drawn, no knife to neck, no danger presents itself; and Tommy stays with the horses, sensing the unease in the basement. It’s suffocating, makes Joel subconsciously look back to Ellie, makes sure she’s still okay, even though nothing’s changed.

She’d hate that, he knows it, if she caught him checking up so often; she hates Joel making sure she’s alright. Worrying for her, she says it’s because she can take care of herself, yet still. Joel never felt anything but worry for her, and it all stems out of his own fucked up past, he knows it.

It all branches from the fear he felt that day, when he woke up and Marlene told him they’d kill her. The cold wash of dread that crawled down his spine when Marlene didn’t even flinch when saying it. He thought maybe after all these years he’d come to understand Marlene’s view, her angle on everything, how she can sacrifice a little girl for something so out of reach, almost unattainable.

But all he felt, even five years later, was a strange calmness with his decision.

Even if Ellie hates him, or acts like she does, he will never regret it.

“You alright?”

Joel blinks out of his own thoughts, straightening when Abby stands a few paces ahead of him, he gives her a once over, settles on her eyes and how calculating they looked.

“Peachy,” he answers, and Abby takes it as a cue to take a step closer.

“I, uh, I don’t know if I formally thanked you,” she says, and Joel leans back against the wall again, feeling no hidden tension in her words, “So… thank you, for saving me”

“Of course,” Joel tips his head, almost goes up to touch his nonexistent hat.

He’s been in Jackson for far too long now, he realizes suddenly, when he felt disappointment fill him all because _he was missing a hat._ Damn, he really did get used to city life again.

That ain’t such a bad thing, is it?

“Who’d leave someone to get eaten in the snow, anyway,” Joel scoffs, and Abby gives a bitter smirk. He doesn’t ask, “you did good too,” Joel adds after a second, “you’re a good shot”

“Got lots of training, where I’m from,” she replies, and Joel picks up on the snark in her tone.

“Well, the whole world _is_ your shooting gallery”

“Damn right it is,” Abby gives a nod, stuffing her hands in her pockets. A beat of silence flows between them, then Abby looks around the room and says in a quiet tone, “So, Jackson?”

“What about it?”

“How did you build it?” She asks, and for the first time, Joel sees curiosity flicker across her face. No harness to her expression, just genuine interest.

He shrugs, looking back at Tommy, “Hell if I know,” he says frankly, “My brother’s the one who started it, I wasn’t there much for the first few months. He had a crew behind him already, got power into the town, and somehow unified everyone to rebuild a whole city”

“I saw it, from far away, it looked nice,” Abby says, almost wistfully, then almost in a heartbeat, her expression falls and something dark fills her eyes, “but anyway,” she dismisses, and the conversation suddenly feels cold.

“You’re from Seattle, right? What were y’all doing, so far away?” Joel doesn’t even get to stop himself from rethinking his question, or if he should ask it, before it’s out in the air. Abby’s face hardens, even more, shutting off completely, and it makes Joel feel a warning bell ring at the back of his head.

“Some unfinished business, I guess,” she answers, and Joel can see her dare him to push even more with her glare. He nods, ending the conversation silently, watching as Abby steps backwards before turning completely away from him.

-

A few hours later, when the sky gets darker, the wind finally slows. Tommy is the first to peak his head out of the garage, a smile taking over his face as he turns to his group, “looks like we’re clear,” he announces, and Joel sighs in relief, coming up to stand beside his steed, brushing his fingers through its mane as people hustle to pack around him.

“Shimmer and our horses are up on that cliff,” Ellie says from behind him, and he turns to her, “Jesse and I are gonna go grab them”

“You sure they ain’t run off somewhere?” He asks, and Ellie looks to the ground. There are bruises starting to form around her eyes, and Joel holds himself back from saying anything about it.

 _Let her be her own person_ , he reminds himself. She doesn’t want his care anymore, and he won’t push. He gets one chance at her forgiveness, and he will make damn sure he doesn’t mess it up.

“I don’t know,” she admits after a second, “but we’ll search for them”

“I know you will,” Joel sighs, rubbing at his nose that had started to get cold again, snow blowing in from where the garage door is open, “You want me to help you look?” he offers, and Ellie pins him with a stare, “or… you can take my horse on the search”

Ellie laughs, a little bitter, a little amused, “Me, riding _your_ horse?” she snorts, “the stubborn old bastard would buck me off two steps out”

“He’s just loyal,” Joel defends, looking back to his steed, who in turn moves its large head towards him, as if agreeing with him. He gives it a pat on the jaw.

“He’s a mean old bastard,” Ellie strikes back, and Joel rolls her eyes, knowing she doesn’t really mean it.

“Like owner like horse,” Tommy chuckles from where’s he’s dotting on his mare, and Ellie cracks a smile.

Joel simply silently flips him off, and Tommy shakes his head with a smile.

“You can… come along,” Ellie sighs after a moment, “I already have a headache… and walking in the snow doesn’t seem like a good idea...”

“Yeah,” Joel rasps, clearing his throat, “doesn’t seem so,” he tries to keep down how enthusiastic he was that she let him help, looking away from her and back to his steed. _Get a grip_ , he scolds, _don’t make her feel awkward about it goddamnit_.


End file.
